it's that time of year.. the end of school. two weeks from today, i will have been done with finals for 3 whole days. i yearn for that day. this is the point where there are a lot of loose ends to be tied, and of course they're uber-stressful. life tends to be that way. there is always a multitude of loose ends to tie, no matter where you are in your life's timeline. unfortunately, you can't close your eyes and wait for things to disappear like when you were a kid. you have to do someone about it, and that's the hard part.
there's no point to this post, other than the small glimmer of hope that i can look back at this and laugh, because all of the woes of school, debt, and more debt have long disappeared and that big ugly monster that has been weighing down on my shoulders will have disappeared.

people say you don't miss something until it's gone. it's true. it took years and years of people telling me this, but it took until today to really prove it. hydration... i miss it. that's right. post-recital, i decided to be lazy and stop drinking agua so much. i apparently needed it, because since, my body is hating me for stopping. i can feel what it's like to not be hydrated. it sucks. random tangent, but important nonetheless.
speaking of recital.. my mom was here, and it was great. the surprise i mentioned, was that i flew my sister out and didn't tell mom. she loved it. so much so, that when i opened the door she screamed. it's moments like those that make life so sweet. the recital itself went well too. the best part, is that it is over. i went into my coaching today and just noodled around with different music theatre pieces, and it felt wonnnderful to be singing something a, in english and b, fun. don't get me wrong, i enjoy a little mozart here and there, but show tunes just do something for my soul..
i'm rambling. i don't really have anything profound to put down for memories' sake, but alas, here i am writing anyway. whenever i write, i try to be as positive and forward-thinking possible, because it is the best way to make things move in a positive direction. it's also a lot more pleasant to read back in time and find some happy thoughts. and heck, i believe that affirmations work. and why the heck shouldn't they?

"we can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares and go downtown." kick-butt song. emma bunton's cover of it is pretty sweet too. life has been stressful around here lately. by lately, i mean this afternoon. my junior recital is coming up, and it's funny how even though i'm really a senior [thanks to the wonders of transferring] i should feel more than prepared for this thing, but man oh man am i nervous about it. i love ocu for forcing me to put on a classical recital, and i hate ocu for forcing me to put on a classical recital. i guess that's just how life goes. i'll be glad that i did it when it's over, but this is a prime example of how stressful this kind of work can get.
although i'm not positive, i think it's going to be great. it's certainly going to be great having some family there, that's for sure. i've almost forgotten the feeling of having my mom out in the house during a show, because it just can't happen as much as it used to. she flew out for le villi, which was really awesome. i didn't want to make her come out here for the ballad of baby doe, for $sake. it'll be great for her to hear me get my classical tenor on though, and i have a great little surprise planned for her that i just know she's going to love.
there's also something to be said about nice weather. it's finally starting to feel like spring out here.. slowly, but surely. something about the fresh air, sun and birds makes me feel like loving life.
i need to soak up that air while i'm thinking about $ as well, and i'll have plenty of time to do that while is stay on campus over spring break this year. i'm poor, for now. i also have a recital to work on, and a week of uninterrupted time is just what i need.
$ would be nice too.. if you have any you'd like to donate.

it's interesting how all you have to do to achieve something, is to tell yourself you want to. and you will. funny how that works. other part of that, is that you actually have to work for it - it won't just happen. every day this becomes more and more clear to me. there's also a point where you realize that there are some things that just won't change, and you have to accept them. it's easy to get swept up in the craziness all around, and not be grateful for what you have achieved. and guess what else? you can't be good at everything. and you know what, that doesn't mean you can't do it all; you just can't do it ALL.
i'm sitting here thinking about me, myself and i, and wondering how i've changed. i read a post from a year back, which is always interesting (and why i write these things in the first place. even if not always as often as i'd like to.) a year ago i was dying to be cast at this school, here i am doing my second main stage show. i can't help but frown at myself when i really think about how all i can do is focus on what i haven't achieved yet... like being in a musical, or having a role, or whatever else my brain can dig up. there are some people who have been leading roles twice this school year, and that's ok. that doesn't mean i won't, or that if i don't, that i can't. i do, however, miss the old days. i've been reminiscing back to the dean days recently, when there was a wonderful foursome of joey, sarah, jen and myself. i want to reunite that group in new york so much that it hurts. i want us all to work, and most importantly to soak up the awesome things life can throw at us.
i really need to be off to rehearsal, but i needed a little blog-therapy. i'll be back more often in the near future. i miss it.

a sad but true story: i've apparently had a faulty harddrive all this time and didn't know.. until a couple weeks ago when my harddrive failed. here's the sad part; i lost everything and had to pay $300 to get a new hd when all i wanted was to keep my old one. i've been rebuilding my computer from the ground up the past couple weeks with all the ol' apps and such. thank god so much info is saved online now.. all i really lost that is irreplaceable was tax info and credit report pdfs, that and my work resume which had names dates that i can now only guess at. is this a pity party? no. well, not unless you are rich and want to give me money. that'll help. lots.
ps, i'm still on the job search. i have an interview, and some prospects, but nothing yet set in stone.

Workshops last week at Ripley-Grier were pretty sweet, and I for one had no idea that studio was plopped there on eight like that. I apparently have a lot to learn about NY city. Granted, I don't live there, but a couple more years.. The OCU alums are amazing, and I can't wait to be one. Our network is pretty unbeatable and I'm proud to tell the world where I got my education [well, my BM that is.. we don't talk about the AA from, well, that other school.) Lies, I kid. Dean was a part of my education as well, I will not neglect the little underdog school. Besides, they're long over due for some noteable alums.. I think my graduating class is going to have to work on that.
The moral I learned from last week though, was that a. I've improved imensely over the past year, b. I've been told I have what it takes to be a working actor, and c. NY is a crazy place to live in and I'm even more anxious to get started. These are all good things. Of course I had my share of painful critiques, but such is required for growth. Really, this is a checkpoint which I can look back on in a couple years to see how much I grew. I wasn't hell-bent on being on Broadway, but now that I know about myself and New York, I'm pretty sure I now am. Bring it.

I feel like the ball is starting to roll here, and that's a very exciting prospect.
Speaking of vague statements.. I'm brought back to the days in middle school when we'd put cryptic away messages up on instant messenger, in hopes that someone specific would understand the secret coded message, and all would end happily ever after with marraige and a picket fence. You know what I'm talking about.. such as secret confessions of your love with lyrics to the latest big love ballad hit. What's more, is that you would type it with the most creative font and style you could. "oNcE i WaS aFrAiD i WaS pEtRiFiEd..." or you would be oh so romantic and give them a virtual rose "to the absolute love of my life: @>~~~" I mean, wow, can it get any better than that? What an ideal gift, so creative too. Personally, I'd prefer a real rose. True, once the initial shock of receiving it wears off you just throw it in a vase and watch it wilt for a week.. but it seems a bit more thoughtful, no? There was also the truck.. the one you could write whatever little message you wanted on the side.. and it always came with messages like "you've been hit by the ugly truck. send this message to 4.6 billion people or you will always be ugly and all your cats will die terrible and chocolate-y deaths."
Speaking of 4.6 billion, what about McDonalds these days!? The "4.6 billion served" (or however many it is now) at some point was changed to "4.6 billion happily served." Are they sure about that? Because I'm pretty sure that I leave McDonalds with a stomach ache and frustratration over the terrible service. There's no 'happily' in that sentence.. They should drop the 'happily' is all I'm saying.. They've also recently revealed that they fry the french fries in beef lard. Some people seem really shocked by this.. It's McDonalds people, what do you expect? At least you're not a Hindu, or rather, Sanatana-Dharmist, who will now be able to look forward to being reincarnated as a cockroach when they die. Sanatana-Dharmists Happily served.. well, now they have to start that sign over at Zero. The answer is simple folks.. McDonalds is run by the devil, is all. Truly. He simply uses it to fool good religious folk into eating forbidden meat, and then sends them merrily on their way to hell. Go team! I read a play once (or part of one anyway) about how hell is actually just being with people.. not fire and chains, but eternal time spent in a room with particularly annoying people. That sounds pretty bad to me, and I think my version very well may be being stuck behind the counter at McDonalds. Could you imagine asking "would you like fries with that" for the rest of eternity? On the flip side, a great version of heaven would be quitting and walking out of that job, over and over and over for all eternity. You'd get to yell right back to your smelly boss and feel no regret. You could even play practical jokes. I mean, you have all of eternity, so you'd be bound to get creative. Maybe when he falls asleep at his desk, as he does every hour on the hour, dress him up in drag, and snicker as he tries to figure out why customers are laughing at him. The sky's the limit people! That sounds like a lot more fun than just chilling on a cloud, no?