Because Ellen Degeneres is the funniest person alive:

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” - Ellen

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” - Ellen

“So, I bought a new cd and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers.. I mean plastic, and then tape - and the tape is like government tape. It says open here.. is that sarcasm? And buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard. And then scissors.. you need scissors to get into scissors. What if you were buying them for the first time? You wouldnt be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard.. What are they thinking?: "Ohh they'll be fine"?" - Ellen

“I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.” - Ellen

"We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we?: I'll have a couple of soft pretzals, a hot dog, milk duds, snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there - that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a diet coke." - Ellen

"Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - too busy disorder... What's with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people, that's it, just crazy people." - Ellen

I highly recommend watching and buying her stand-up DVDs if you haven't already. I just finished reading.. er, listening to her audio book "the funny thing is..." not because I don't like to read, but because I had a gift card for itunes and thought Ellen would be just the ticket. If you'll let me for a second, I'm going to endorse her and all her products. They're awesome. Buy them ALL. The DVDs, the books, the CDs. All of 'em people.