More W&G quotes? Well, if you say so!

Ben Doucette: Let's talk wine. Karen, you have any preference?
Karen: Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick, so you're asking the wrong gal.

Karen: Grace, that blouse hurts like a hangover.

Stranger at the Gay Parade: You see, your drag name is the name of the first pet you had and the name of the first street you lived on.
Karen: So mine would be uh... ShuShu Fontanna.
[they all laugh and clap]
Karen: That's hysterical. Jackie what's yours?
Jack: [upset] Glen 125th.

[Jack doesn't believe that Bonnie, Eliot's mother, is gay]
Jack: No, it can't be... say something lesbionic..
Bonnie: Home Depot.
Jack: K.D. Lang you are a lesbian!

Cher: Don't talk to me about rejection, okay? Look how many times I've gone down in flames. Remember, I LOST the Oscar for 'Moonstruck'.
Jack: But you WON the Oscar for 'Moonstruck'.
Cher: And don't you forget it.

[Grace has to get her blood drawn by a very young nurse]
Grace: Whoa, whoa, her? Isn't there someone who's a little more... experienced? Someone who didn't drive in on a Big Wheel?
Nurse Trainee Pittman: Oh, I don't drive. I keep taking the test over and over, but I'm all, "This is hard."

Will: [about Stan] He didn't find out about your affair, did he?
Karen: No. Thank God my boobs are like arms. I was able to distract Stan with one of them while the other one motioned for Lionel to get out the door.

Jack: But there's always a lot of rich, old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys to take care of. You know, the way Dick Cheney takes care of George Bush.

Jack: Heterosexual marriage is just wrong. I mean, if God had meant men and women to be together, he would have given them both penises.

Grace: Sweetie, are you gonna be okay? You sure you don't want me to stick around in case Kevin comes back? You know I'm a good biter. I once bit a jump rope in half.
Will: Why?
Grace: [pause] What d'you mean, "why"?


Karen: They're trying to make gay people straight? Good Lord! Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?

Jack: Today is an important day for you. You're not just losing a friend, you're losing a hag.
Will: She is not my hag. She's just a single woman who used to be in love with me and who hasn't spent a day away from me since college.
[sighs]
Will: She's been a good hag.

Karen: [in a luandromat] What is this place? It's pretty.
[starts to tap on a washing machine]
Karen: Where are all the fishes?
Grace: No Karen this is a laundramat, normal people wash their clothes and wear them again.
Karen: Well poor people are just plain clever.

Will: Where's all the Chinese food?
Grace: Oh, I opened it up and started to eat it and then I noticed a hair in it. So I called the restaurant to complain and they were like "Well, how do you know its not your hair?" and I said "Well, I know what my hair tastes like." Anyway, I got so disgusted, I threw it all out.
Will: You ate all of it, didn't you?
Grace: Yes, I did.

Barry: I can't go out with the guy. He's an all star, I'm barely in the minors.
Will: Sports again? What did I tell you to say when you have thoughts like that?
Barry: Oh, yeah. Liza, Judy, Barbara, Bette, these are names I shant forget.

Jack: Will, have you totally forgotten how to speak our language? 'Running late' is gay for 'I'm blowing you off.'
Will: Really. What's gay for 'get out'?
Jack: That would be 'good morning.'

[Karen is running a scam with her con-artist mother, and she is wearing a sweatshirt that says 'I Loves Me Kitty']
Jack: Oh, my God, I have that same shirt! Except, um, mine has a big rooster on it, and it says 'I love me big, red - '
Will: Jack!

Karen: [Grace enters wearing a cow-print skirt] Woah. Got skirt?

[Owen has just interrupted Jack's solo]
Jack: Uh, excuse me. As Aretha said to Gloria, Celine, Shania, and Mariah during Divas Live...
[in an Aretha voice]
Jack: "Are you trippin'? No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch. OK?"
Owen: Well, I believe she also said, "Hey, Cuba, Canada, Cowgirl, Crazy, get out of my light and away from my snacks, bitch."

Kevin Bacon: When the stalkers leave, it's the first sign that your career is slipping. Little tidbit I picked up from Val Kilmer.
Will: Wait, you did a movie with Val Kilmer?
Kevin Bacon: No, but Val was in "Top Gun" with Tom Cruise and Tom was in "A Few Good Men" with me.
[pause]
Kevin Bacon: Huh, that was a short one.

Jack: [Holding up a lock of long, red hair] Guess what this is.
Will: Grace used your shower again?
Jack: One of Bernadette Peters' curls. She was standing in front of me at Duane Reade. Luckily, I was buying a pair of toenail clippers. Now I have hair from Bernadette Peters, Betty Buckley, and Idina Menzel. All I need is Patti LuPone and my Broadway diva wig will be complete!

[A WAITER SITS PATTI LUPONE AT A TABLE NEXT TO JACK'S. JACK AND PATTI HAVE THEIR BACKS TO EACH OTHER. JACK IS CLEANING HIS LAP AND SWEATER WITH A NAPKIN.]
WAITER: Miss LuPone, I just wanna say I saw you in Evita when I was 16. I came out by intermission.
PATTI: I hear that a lot. Sometimes I think I'm personally responsible for the West Village.
WAITER: By the way, you look fabulous.
[JACK IS DYING TO LOOK.]
PATTI: Thanks. My hair's a little long, I need to get it cut.
[JACK PICKS UP A BUTTER KNIFE. HE TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT PATTI'S HAIR AND MOVES IN WITH THE KNIFE, WHEN WILL RETURNS.]
WILL: Sorry.
[JACK QUICKLY TURNS AROUND AND PICKS UP SOME BUTTER WITH HIS KNIFE, AND BEGINS SPREADING IT ON HIS HAND. WILL LOOKS AT JACK STRANGELY.]
WILL: This is really, really sweet of you to do, Jack. Thank you.
[JACK WIPES HIS HAND ON HIS NAPKIN.]
JACK: Well, I'm happy to. There's nothing more important to me than you, Patti-- Fatty-- Will!
WILL: Are you--are you okay?
JACK: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm perfect. So heartbreak and sorrow, go.
PATTI: Oh, no, my earring.
[PATTI BEGINS LOOKING AROUND THE FLOOR.]
WILL: [QUIETLY TO JACK] Oh, my God. Is that Patti LuPone?
[PATTI GETS ON HER HANDS AND KNEES AND CRAWLS ON THE FLOOR TO FIND HER EARRING.]
JACK: No, I don't think so. Heh heh.
WILL: I really think it is.
JACK: Really?
[JACK LOOKS DOWN. PATTI IS ON HER HANDS AND KNEES NEXT TO HIS TABLE. JACK GRABS HER SHIRT AND PULLS HER HEAD UP FOR A SECOND, THEN PUTS HER BACK DOWN.]
JACK: Oh, what do you know, it is.
[PATTI FINDS HER EARRING, SHE STARTS TO GET UP, BUT WHILE STILL KNEELING NEXT TO JACK'S CHAIR...]
PATTI: [TO JACK] I'm sorry. My head was practically in your lap. So...do I get the part?
[PATTI SMILES AND STANDS UP, STRAIGHTENS HER DRESS AND SITS DOWN..]
WILL: Jack. What are you doing? You've been trying to track down Patti LuPone ever since you came home with that clump of hair from Bea Arthur and finished your Golden Girls' wig.
JACK: William. Now for the last time, nothing can distract me from you. Now please continue.
[THE WAITER HAS BROUGHT OVER A TRAY WITH A TEACUP AND A POT OF TEA FOR PATTI.]
WAITER: [TO PATTI] Um, I hate to ask this, and I feel really awkward.
PATTI: Oh, it's okay. I know. You want me to sing "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina."
WAITER: Well, it's my birthday.
PATTI: I would love to. But I don't wanna be rude. I'll just ask these gentlemen if they don't mind.
[PATTI TURNS AROUND IN HER CHAIR TO ADDRESS JACK AND WILL.]
PATTI: Excuse me.
[JACK IGNORES HER, BUT IT'S OBVIOUSLY VERY HARD ON HIM. PATTI TAPS ON HIS SHOULDER.]
PATTI: Hello?
[JACK LOOKS AROUND, NERVOUSLY JIGGLING HIS TEACUP AND SAUCER.]
WILL: Jack, Patti LuPone is trying to get your attention.
PATTI: Would you mind if I sang?
JACK: Shut up, Patti LuPone! Shut your brassy, magnificent trap! I don't wanna hear you sing. I don't wanna cut your hair. And I certainly don't wanna hear you singing while I'm cutting your hair! Got it?! Now I'm talking to my best friend, so stand back, Buenos Aires!
[JACK FANS HIMSELF WITH HIS NAPKIN AND PATS HIS FOREHEAD.]
[PATTI TURNS AROUND IN HER CHAIR.]
PATTI: [TO THE WAITER] People either love me, or they hate me.
WILL: I don't believe you just did that. You spurned a Broadway legend for me.
JACK: Well, I wanted to prove to you that I really care about you, Will.
WILL: And you did.
JACK: Really?
WILL: Yes. And thank you. Now come on. We've got a diva to scalp.
JACK: Thank you, Will. I just hope she's not a screamer like that prissy Rue McClanahan.

[THE WAITER IS AT THE PIANO. JACK, WILL, AND PATTI LUPONE ARE STANDING AT THE PIANO. THE WAITER BEGINS PLAYING "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA" FROM THE MUSICAL "EVITA".]
PATTI: [SINGING] Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you.
JACK: [SINGING] All through my wild days, my mad existance...
WILL: [SINGING] I kept my promise...
PATTI: [SINGING] Don't keep your distance.
[WILL PATTI SMILES AT WILL, JACK HOLDS UP A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND MOVES IN TO HER HAIR.]