Karen: [to Gillian the intern] Hi, honey. Sit down!
Gillian: What's going on, what's happening, what's this all about?
Karen: I've got something tough to tell you. Uh, I'm fabulous, okay? I'm an incredible dresser, I've got buckets of money, I'm a hoot and a half, and I've got a killer rack. Do you get what I'm saying?
Gillian: Not really.
Karen: Honey, you're not me, and you never will be.
Gillian: [pointing to her chest] Is it the rack?
Karen: [laughing and shaking her head] "It's a big part of it. Now, you're never going to be me, but, you got a good chance to be Grace, and that's nothing to sneeze at, honey, you shouldn't throw it away so quickly."
Gillian: But Grace, she's just not us.
Karen: Bup-bupbupbupbupbup, watch your mouth, or I'll wash it out with cheap vodka. That's my little girl you're talking about. Now, Grace is a damn good role model. She's bright, she's successful, she's the worst dresser in the whole wide world, she's talented and I look up to her. Honey, why else would I be here?
Gillian: You told me it's because you hate being home with Stan and the kids.
Karen: [laughing and shaking her head] It's a big part of it.
Gillian: Hey, can I still use the word "honey"?
Karen: What? Ohhhhhhhh no.
Jack: [to Will over the phone before Will comes out] Well, if you're wanting to make muskrat love with your girlfriend, why are you on the phone with me?
Will: [silent]
Jack: Yeah. I thought so. You're my new best friend; call me every five seconds!
Karen: You say potato, I say vodka.
Jack: [High on coffee, and saying speedily] Hey, friends, lovers, mothers and other strangers, you are not going to believe what just happened to me... Oh, my God, did you just see that? I almost did a half nelson, I almost bruised my delicates, my delicates, my domo arigatos, Mr tomatoes. Huge News! I have met, are you ready for this, Mr Right, well, Mr Right Now. Good night, folks, I'm here all week, Jack 2000. He works at the Jumpin Java - you know, the coffee shop on seventy second and his name is Paul and he is cute with a capital Q! And the busier it gets, the hotter he gets, and the hotter he gets the sweatier he gets, and the sweatier he gets... I forgot where I'm goin with this, but the main point is me likey he and he likey me and the best part of schezam, he gives me free iced coffee every time I go in which is every hour on the hour, good nights, and occasionally on the half hour. Ba ba ba ba ba
Jack: So we need to get them back together, but how? Pretend to think, pretend to think.
Karen: Pretend to care, pretend to care.
Jack: Oh, I've got it. What we need is a plan. Some way to get them in the same room together.
Karen: Oh honey, that's genius, write that down. Oh, wait, not on that, that's for Will and Grace, that's an invitation to Joe and Larry's kid's birthday party.
Jack: Oh yeah, I got one of these too. Anyway, enough about that. We have to figure out a way to get them in the same room so they can work it out. But how? Ow, I just got a paper cut on this party invitation for Will and Grace.
Karen: Focus. We're trying to get them in the same room together. Forget about this party they're both invited to. Now, what do they both like?
Jack: Well, Will likes to be taller than everyone, and Grace likes to eat cake.
Karen: Where can we take them where there'll be small people eating cake?
[takes a sip of wine]
Karen: Oh, shoot, I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party.
[pauses]
Karen: Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Jack: I don't know, are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you?
Karen: Okay that's just freaky.
Cher: Ya know dude, it is a little weird that you are talking to my doll.
Jack: Um I don't think that I need a drag queen to define normal behavior. But I will say this, the look, is flawless.
Cher: Whatever.
Jack: Ohh. Working the attitude. OK, you're good.
Cher: I've had a lot of practice.
Jack: Hey hey. You're not that great Mister Sister. I do a better Cher than you.
Cher: Ya think so?
Jack: Actually it's "You think so, hooooooooooooooe"
Cher: Are you kidding me with this?
Jack: OK, the hand is perfect, but it's more "are you kidding me with this, hoooooooooooe"
Cher: Get a life.
[walks away then turns around]
Cher: [sings] If I could turn back time.
Jack: [clears throat to sing] If I could turn back time, hoooooooooooe. Time hoooooooe. Time hoooooe. Time hoooooe.
Cher: [slaps Jack] Snap out of it!
[she leaves; Jack realizes who she really was and faints]
Karen: It's the oldest story in the book. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girls says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "No way." Boy says, "Okay how about you just wear this rubber dress and beat this old guy with a scrub brush?" Girl says, "How hard?"
[Karen is showing her breasts to a woman across the room]
Grace: Karen, what are you doing?
Karen: She started it.
Grace: Karen, she's breast feeding.
Karen: Oh... That would explain the little bald man.
Karen: Oh kids ruin everything. I mean look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button.
[alright, I got a little carried away. But there are so many... I'll have to put up some more later.]
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